Metamorphosis

It's time for a change. A transformation. After four months of turning myself into a roadie, I must now turn back to a mountain biker.

Several things need to happen. The first has already started.

That's leg hair. Shin hair to be precise, so don't get any funny ideas. I'll need to start going to the gym again to build up my upper body. Road riding has left me with tiny T-Rex arms, so I won't be able to pick up my mountain bike if it falls over, let alone heft a whole pint of beer to my mouth.

In order to abide by the code of the mountain biker, I'll also need to

• Put on a couple of stone in weight, then spend £2000 making my bike 2lb lighter.
• Start using terms like freeride, all-mountain and jeycore-lite.
• Eat sausage rolls, cake and flapjack mid ride, instead of energy bars and drink.
• Carry a huge camelbak with 3 litres of water for any ride over 30 minutes.
• Spend much more time on the internet, instead of going out riding. Some of this will be on bike related things, most will be spent arguing with strangers over random topics.
• Treat anyone wearing lycra as if they've just eaten my cat.
• Race anyone on a road bike in order to prove how much better mountain bikes are, especially if I've only been out for 10 minutes and they've been out for six hours.

Right, I'm off out to roll in some nettles and decorate my arms with bramble scratches. It's what we mountain bikers do. Gnarly.